


Among the Stars

by Elveny



Category: Mass Effect Andromeda
Genre: F/M, Gen, Mild Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-13 18:35:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10519482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elveny/pseuds/Elveny
Summary: "They are all so wonderful and I really ache for something deeper, a connection that goes beyond flirting. You know, love is such a big word and we both know that it encompasses so much more than romance and I'd be fine with it! It's just… at the moment I can't really let myself go completely without knowing where I stand. Where they stand.See? I need you to wake up to tell me what to do. Or I'll start messing everything up again. Worse, I'll start messing people up."





	1. More Than Just a Job

"Hey Scott, 

So, you're still in a coma and Dad is, well, still dead and I'm still the fucking Pathfinder and so in over my head. No sense in pretending otherwise, you'll know anyway. There's the Kett and all that 'find and found outposts so we won't all starve to death' which is bad enough. No pressure, right? What with the Scourge and all our habitable planets barely habitable and far from being the golden worlds we had hoped for, resources still are scarce.

I mean, I'm growing into it. Most people stopped having that look of utter contempt and disbelief or, what's even worse, desperation, when they look at me. I mean, it's not that I can really blame them. I'd be skeptical too if a 22-year-old no-name just got handed the job, without training and all. But I'm doing my best, trying to make something out of a bad situation, trying to get people together and hoping again. Because someone has to. And, you know, it is working. We are making progress, we have our first outposts, we have an amazing ally in the Angara, we are helping to make these worlds habitable again. Some people even are excited to see me and congratulate me on my work. My crew at least supports me, really supports me. Even Drack, who calls me kid. You're gonna love him. You're gonna love all of them, honestly. They have my back and keep me busy.

But it's still hard, sometimes. Often even. You know me, I'm no good on my own. And I miss you so much. We should be here together.

Anyway, enough whining, I can't even stand myself. Will probably delete all that again but maybe it's good to just write it down once.

So. As I just said, I'm no good on my own. So, I've had a… thing with two of my teammates. Peebee, that was just fun. Unwinding. Getting to know each other, for her as well. All casual, all good, no strings at all. And funnily enough, it really helped me to get a feeling for her - not THAT way, you perv. Well, okay, that way as well, but that was not what I meant. She's kind of… not aloof, but hard to grasp. Barely lets anyone in, always talks about 'I could leave any moment', stuff like that. Since we had our fling, though, there's a connection, we talk more, hang out, laugh a lot. Nothing more has happened and it definitely feels like a one-time thing and we're both totally fine with it. Which is really awesome.

With Liam, though, it's more. He's really sweet and fun and he gets me. Really gets me. And I get him - his need to make everything work and the trying to get everyone on board and the excitement at everyone and everything new. We bounce ideas off each other and he's the first I call when I see something interesting on the scanner. He shares my enthusiasm and my will to try to reconcile all the exiles with the Nexus (I mean - we're the only ones here in this galaxy! We should really stick together and at least try to make it work, right? That includes everyone who came here.), my hope for a future and in some ways he's even more Pathfinder than I am.

And even though the only thing we had was also a one-time thing so far, it happened in a moment of real connection. He is as intent on making this, Andromeda, a new home as I am and is ready to take risks to make it happen. I've rarely met someone as optimistic and relatable as Liam. You know, they have this thing in his family, a car they all worked on. It's really important to him, basically embodying everything his family means and some friends pulled some strings and sent the car towards Andromeda. He knows it probably won't ever make it here but the thought that it's on its way is enough for him. It made my heart clench to hear him talk that way. He's left all his family behind - probably what makes him so intent on having another one here.

When he kissed me, it was so… I don't know… honest? We needed each other that night. (He brought a couch. Did I mention that? Yes, he brought a couch. It's so ugly but really comfy.) And afterwards he was so cool. I rarely had such a grown-up conversation with someone about a spontaneous one-night-stand. Saying he wouldn't get clingy but he's open to it leading somewhere eventually and despite us working so closely together, it hasn't been weird at all. Also, that night was amazing.

Then there's Jaal. He's angaran and so fascinating and such a wonderful person. Angara are extremely open about their emotions and everything feels so direct and raw and intense. So very intense. Something about him being so emotional (in the best sense of the word) is exhilarating. He wrote me a letter, calling me dearest, and while it would've been weird from anyone else, from him it was just… pure. Intense. Honest. He is incredibly caring, finding his place in the universe. Something about him just draws you in and holds you. And you know, there would be no deceit with him. He is someone I trust implicitly.

And then I met Reyes Vidal. He's the one who took the life destiny dealt him and made something of it, no regrets and no looking back. Someone who _lives,_ reminding me that life doesn't have to be perfect to be good. He's a flirt and sexy and all that without taking advantage of the people around him (sexually at least, he is a smuggler after all. On Kadara after all.) and something about him made me want to tease him all the time. And the accent… the accent! Be still my heart. There was a spark between us right from the beginning and I keep catching him looking at me. I can't even tell you exactly what it is that makes me like him so or why I find him so sexy and yet… thinking about him makes me happy and tingly. It's really stupid and exciting and awesome. However, as Pathfinder I won't be planetside very often and he won't give up his life on Kadara, so even if there would be something more than this exciting flirting I don't know if there could be anything that lasts. At the moment, Reyes is someone I can't stop thinking about and yet, without anything but a kiss that sort of happened… it already feels like it would break my heart at some point. Kind of like a firework, going off in sparks and lights and amazing beauty and then blinking out of existence. The kind of relationship that goes from Zero to Everything in no time and then explodes. But maybe I'm wrong and think too much.

They are all so wonderful and I really ache for something deeper, a connection that goes beyond flirting. You know, love is such a big word and we both know that it encompasses so much more than romance and I'd be fine with it! It's just… at the moment I can't really let myself go completely without knowing where I stand. Where they stand.

See? I need you to wake up to tell me what to do. Or I'll start messing everything up again. Worse, I'll start messing people up.

Love,

Cate"

 

Caitlin stared at the data pad, reading and re-reading what she had just written. It was weird reading this, words being an inadequate frame for feelings she could barely understand, and she sighed tiredly, rubbing her hands over her eyes.

"Pathfinder?"

SAM's flat, electronic voice came through their private channel. By now she was used to having the AI with her wherever she went even though it sometimes was disconcerting thinking about it. So she had stopped thinking about it. There was nothing to be done anyway and so far, SAM hadn't done anything that had given her reason to worry.

"Yes, SAM?" she asked quietly.

"Shall I send the letter to Scott's private account?"

 

Cate rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. She had written a couple of letters already which would wait for Scott when he'd wake but mostly they had been a humor-riddled account of the things that had happened, nothing so personal. They were close and she'd probably tell him all of this anyway but seeing her insecurities written down gave them a weird weight she hadn't expected. The easiest thing to do would be to just focus on the job and ignore everything else. Tell everyone who brought it up that all they should have was friendship and she was sort of their boss and…It was what her Dad would have done.

 

"But it's more than just a job," she murmured. "It's about building a life. A future."

"Pathfinder?"

"Sorry, SAM, just talking to myself. No, don't send it. Just… save."

"Saving to your personal account. If you decide to send it after all, you can access it any time."

If she didn't know better she'd have thought there was a hint of irritation or even exasperation in SAM's voice.

"Thank you, SAM," she said nonetheless and got up again. "SAM, who has the bridge at the moment?"

"Suvi has the nightshift, Pathfinder."

"Alright." Caitlin stretched and yawned before she put her sweater back on.

 

When she walked towards the door, SAM interrupted again. "Dr. T'Perro wanted me to remind you to get at least six hours of sleep, Pathfinder."

Caitlin rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Four is enough anyway. I'll catch up on that tomorrow."

"You should catch up on the definition of 'four', Pathfinder."

This time, Cate grinned, albeit crooked.

"I get your meaning, SAM. Tomorrow, alright?"

"Very well."

She was sure that if it could have, SAM would have sighed now and chuckled on her way to the coffee machine to fetch a cup for both herself and Suvi. She knew both Lexi and SAM were right, she should get more sleep. But nothing distracted her more than work and at the moment, she needed distraction. So work it would be - and knowing Suvi, it would be fun.


	2. Viral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A decision and its consequences on Caitlin's conscience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for a possible end for the side quest "Contagion"

They were halfway back to the Tempest when Caitlin abruptly stopped the Nomad. Ignoring Liam's confused question and Drack's grunts, she scrambled outside and barely made it behind a boulder before she started vomiting.

She heaved until there was nothing left in her stomach but burning, colorless fluids and cold sweat stood on her brow. When it finally stopped, she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and wiped her mouth and forehead. She took a few steps away from the mess she had caused and turned back towards the Nomad, leaning against the boulder for support only to realize that Liam had followed her.

"Here," he said, giving her a metal bottle.

Caitlin was still queasy, but not enough not to feel ashamed about the spectacle she had just caused. Embarrassed, she shifted her weight from one foot to the other, clearing her throat. There was no judgment in Liam's face or in the look he gave her, though, only concern.

"What's that?" she asked as she took the bottle.

"Water. Figured you needed something."

"Thanks," she murmured and took a swig, washing out her mouth before actually drinking something. The cool water eased her stomach and she sighed thankfully.

"You okay again?" Liam asked, nudging her arm carefully as he leant against the boulder next to her.

Caitlin nodded. "Yeah. Sorry about that." She kept her gaze on the ground.

"Hey, no worries. We've all been there at one point or another." The way he said it told her that he meant it and she nodded.

"Where's Drack?"

"Took a short walk. Said something about giving you space. I figured you might need some help so I sticked around. But I can go as well, if you need it. Space I mean."

She shook her head and gave him a small smile. This was so typical for Liam, the caring without imposing. "No, please. Stay. Thanks."

For a few moments neither of them said anything. Finally, Liam cleared his throat, looking at her. "So… you want to talk about it? I take it it wasn't something you ate?"

Caitlin laughed a hollow laugh. "No. It really wasn't."

"And since it wasn't the first time you saw someone die in front of you, it can't have been that either, or… " Liam stopped talking when he saw her get pale again. "Oh. It was that."

Caitlin swallowed hard, taking another swig from the water bottle, shaking her head and nodding at the same time and finally settling on shrugging.

"Yes and no. Not the fact itself just…"

She thought of Ruth Bekker's body in the stasis pod in the back of the Nomad and closed her eyes, as another wave of nausea crashed over her. Thankfully, this time it subsided without her getting rid of the bit of water she had drunken. The look on Ruth's face just before it exploded seemed to have engraved itself on her retina and her throat closed. Ruth had known what threat she posed and had been ready to commit suicide to stop the virus from spreading but somehow that knowledge didn't help.

"I killed her," she finally whispered, looking into the rocky landscape of Kadara that was only interrupted by these incredibly blue ponds. She loved this part of the planet, especially when the sun set and bathed everything in golden red but today, the view didn't calm her.

Liam furrowed his brow. "Hey now. That's not true. I distinctly remember…"

"I might not have pulled the trigger," she interrupted him, "but I might have just as well. He would have let her go if I had let _him_ go. It was my decision not to. My words that made him kill her. It was me. I killed her."

"Cate," Liam began but she shook her head. Desperation was in her voice, barely controlled and she could feel angry tears threaten. She swallowed them down, wiping a cold hand over her face, as she said:

"You remember what I said to the Asari captain? Pathfinders take risk. And we do, we take risks to keep hope up and people alive, you know it as well as I do. But Ruth Bekker is dead, because I didn't want to take this risk. I couldn't. He had the virus and even if it might have been too degraded to weaponize it, there still was a chance it wasn't and I … I couldn't take the risk. The Angara may be immune against it but what if nobody else is - and there are prone to be other species in Andromeda aside from the Kett and the Angara, not to mention all of us from the Milky Way. I couldn't take the risk."

"I know," he said silently. He started to say more but seemed to catch himself and just waited for her to continue. Caitlin stared into the clear kadaran sky but even though the sun was shining, she still felt cold. Minutes passed in which nothing was heard but the trickle of a nearby spring and her shallow breath.

"She was stage three, Liam."

Her voice was barely audible and her fingers trembled slightly. With an effort of will she made a fist, willing them to stop.

"She was infectious. The virus is airborne in stage three and she stood directly in front of me when he shot her, I was looking into her eyes. I got her blood on me. What if… what if I caught it?"

It was only now that she looked at him, pure fear in her eyes that threatened to escalate into a panic attack. "What if I'm sick and… it's a neural disease, just like Mum had…"

Understanding dawned on his face. She had mentioned her mother once or twice to him and he knew about the way Ellen had died and that it had hit Caitlin pretty hard. She and her mother had been very close, closer than she and her father ever were and even though she had been able to say goodbye, she had told him how hard it had been watching her mother slowly waste away. Without a second thought he pulled her into an embrace, holding her as she took a shaking breath. After a moment, she returned the embrace, wrapping her arms around him with closed eyes. For a long moment, she just held on to him, listening to his calm and reassuring voice.

"You're not sick. You couldn't be. You said yourself that SAM would protect you against the virus. Isn't that right, SAM?"

"Affirmative," SAM's cool, emotionless voice cut through her distress, somewhat calming her. "There is no trace of the virus in your system that I can detect. If you like, Doctor T'Perro will be able to provide a more thorough scan."

"See?" Liam said against her ear and she nodded. With another deep inhale, she let go of him. Her fear was nothing rational and she knew it but she still couldn't quite shake it. But Liam's support and SAM's scan managed to alleviate enough of it so that she no longer felt overwhelmed. She gave Liam a lopsided smile.

"Thanks. I'm stupid, I know."

"Realizing it is always the first step, kid." Drack's voice grumbled and she grinned a bit sheepishly as the Krogan came towards them.

"Good to see you're back to your normal self. You're up to finally finding that Spender guy or do you need some more hugging." It wasn't really a question. "Couldn't guarantee for not crushing you, though."

Caitlin snorted. "Thanks. If I do get sick I'll get back to you for that."

"You're the worst." Liam shook his head but he smiled at her.

"Alright, guys, I'm back on track. I wouldn't mind cleaning myself up a bit though before we get the bad guy." She rolled her shoulders and took a deep breath.

"Fine by me. Wanted to get more ammo anyway. And get that scan from Lexi while you're at it," Drack said, grunting as he heaved himself into the Nomad.

As they drove back to the Tempest, she couldn't help but steal a look or two at Liam. It was the closest they had come since they had spent the night together, she realized. The warmth from his embrace lingered and she could still feel the way his breath had tickled her skin as he talked. Their eyes met and as he smiled this time, the feeling in her stomach had nothing to do with nausea. It definitely was time for another one of their 'off-ship doing stuff' days, she thought to herself with a smile.


End file.
